After having a little chat with the sportsfangirl yesterday, we came to the conclusion that the 2010 Boston Red Sox are flat out not interesting this season. What happened to the idiots. What happened to the chemistry in the clubhouse. What happened to the Pedro's, the Manny's, the Millar's and Damon's? The Sox have been able to climb back into the AL East race by breaking through for a 10 game over .500 record, but we're still three games back behind the Yanks and the Rays. In order to make the 2010 Red Sox slightly more interesting, I figured I'd relate them to Family Guy.
I've been reading Bill Simmons' book, Now I Can Die In Peace. I'm being terrible and stealing this idea from him, but it's also an attempt to get me back into the groove with the Sox. I feel that I've begun to fall out of touch with the defensive stoppers that are new to the team.
Jacoby Ellsbury (Joe Swanson) - Ells is a leader but spending most of the season on the DL due to injury. Maybe if we get Jacoby a wheelchair, he can get back on the field.
Dustin Pedroia (Stewie) - Not to take a shot at the man for being short, but that is partially why the comparison is made easier. Pedroia has that, Victory Shall Be Mine attitude every time he steps up to the plate. Always plotting, always thinking of how to beat the opponent. I then pose the question, when Pedroia talks in the clubhouse, can they actually hear what he's saying?, I don't get it.
JD Drew (Carter Pewterschmidt) - He doesn't show up all the time, but when he does he makes a splash. Aside from the fact that I've finally shifted my thinking about how much I've hated Drew in the past, him being a constant for the Red Sox and being very productive this season really got me to change my feelings about him.
David Ortiz (Cleveland) - In any past situation, there would be no doubt that Big Papi would be the lovable, slightly overweight Peter Griffin. The quirky, mistake making guy that in the end always comes through for his family, however with the horror that Ortiz began to display last season, he hasn't won that title back yet. Ortiz had a huge May, he's still a main character, just not as powerful as he once was. Maybe he'll prosper with his own spin-off in some inane city.
Kevin Youkilis (Lois) - The rock of the family. Peter may look like the hero by the end of each episode, but Lois is the one that had to smack the shit out of people to make things happen. Youk is the biggest influence of this 2010 Sox team, without him the rest of the team would be lost.
Victor Martinez (Connie D'Amico) - The most popular girl in school. The move to bring V-Mart to the Sox was huge, expecting that he would soon become a face of the franchise. Although very popular, Victor still doesn't show main character attitude.
Mike Cameron (Greased Up Deaf-Guy) - Really doesn't matter because he can be replaced by anyone or anything, but once he gets excited, he's pretty funny to watch. I can't stand Cameron, he's part of the reason why I'm jumping on the JD Drew bandwagon.
Marco Scutaro (Chris Griffin) - The middle child. Doesn't really get all of the attention he deserves due to all the star power around him yet fills his role to the best of his ability.
Josh Beckett (Brian Griffin) - Well spoken, blunt and to the point. The voice of reason for all intensive purposes. Everyone looks up to Brian, even though deep down he might be a little bit off his rocker. Also the only one that can hear Pedroia's points of view, giving Pedey an outlet to the rest of the family.
Jon Lester (Death) - Not an everyday character, but you're lucky when you get to see him every 5 days. He is fearful yet approachable and if anyone touches him, they'd probably die.
John Lackey (James Woods) - James Woods was brought in by Peter Griffin. James and Peter became very good friends, yet James became jealous of the relationship between Peter and Brian. It seems a bit far fetched, but I can definitely see a sub-plot coming during the ALDS.
Daisuke Matsuzaka (Mayor Adam West) - Fidgety on the mound, wicked irresponsible and inconsistent on the mound and we're stuck with him in a power position. Compare the dirty politician to the fact that Dice-K bent us over for $53 M just to talk to him before he could come over and give us one good year for a lot more problematic years after.
Clay Buchholz (Glenn Quagmire) - We all know Quagmire and his character, just imagine Clay on the mound in Kansas City after his no hitter..."Giggity, Giggity, Goo!" He's not the top dog, but without him, not only would things not be the same, they wouldn't be as good either.
Tim Wakefield (Bruce) - The guy who's always quoted as saying, "Ohh Noo". Sort of unclear on his role, sometimes he's in the game a lot, other times he's not even seen at the park. However, he's a staple and people would miss him if he were gone. Always reassuring to see him around...Wakefield and Bruce that is.
Jonathan Papelbon (Ollie Williams) - Seen less frequently than the starting pitchers at times, when he does show up, he's loud, intimidating and right to the point. How great would it be to see Paps on the news asking, "Who want this dog, you want this dog?!"
Theo Epstein (Peter Griffin) - The sub-plot of the ALDS I was talking about, here it is. The leader of the pack, the go to guy, he might make some mistakes here and there, but in the end, everyone trusts him and when things go right he looks like the big hero. I can picture him laughing while reading this (hehehe).
John Henry (Tom Tucker) - Right in the center of the towns spotlight. Everyone adores the lead anchor for what he's done for the city. They tried replacing him with Peter once, but that didn't work out well, something that similarly could happen in the future for Boston.
Larry Lucchino (Diane Simmons) - Not as important as Tucker, but they're always seen together. They make nice for the cameras for the most past, but I can just imagine Henry and Lucchino behind closed doors, ripping into one another with spiteful comments that would make an average man cry.
Tom Werner (Asian Reporter Tricia Takanawa) - All presentation and no substance. Really serves no main purpose other than to be a part of the news team. Ironic.
Mike Lowell (Meg Griffin) - Used to be a star character but recently got demoted and gets treated like crap by the rest of the family. Still a big part of the family, just not as important. However, true fans still appreciate the value, the memories and the rewards.
Jason Varitek (Ernie The Giant Chicken) - Another role player now that ties into many things. '04, '07 and an epic long term battle with Peter that almost destoryed an entire city...this is getting awkward.
I feel like I could go on and on into the role players but the chica and I are on vacation, my legs are on fire and it's time to go miniature golfing. Lucky there's a family guy, lucky there's a 2010 Red Sox team that I can relate to more after spending some quality time with them.
Thanks to limowreck for the Family Guy picture.